Call of Duty Gamers Sent to Resolve Sudan Crisis

Jason Wong • Apr 1, 2009 • Comments ()

Darfur, Sudan (GameFlavor) -- An elite cadre of hardcore Call of Duty tournament players were sent into the Darfur region of western Sudan to quell the recent rebel insurrection. The group was immediately shot down, despite placing 5th in the 7th annual World Cyber Games in Seattle, Washington two years ago.

Armed with no genuine tactical knowledge or real-world battlefield experience, the CoD team offered absolutely no resistance to the onslaught of Sudanese soldiers. Witnesses were shocked at the level of whimpering and were embarrassed for the Americans when they resorted to surprise bouts of begging.

Shortly before the team was sent in, there were concerns raised over the overall quality of plastic headsets with which the team was being outfitted. It became clear that they should have sprang the extra dough for Sennheisers when their flimsy headsets failed to hold up during the firefight.

Losing communication, a majority of team members got separated and lost in the map not ten seconds into engaging the opposition force. In addition, a high ranking source has hinted at a missed shipment of Red Bull and the lack of any training whatsoever on how to use real health packs as contributing factors to the failed mission.

The lone surviving squad member had this to say in the team's defense, "We were complaining about the cheap enemy A.I and how they were using live rounds, but no one, not one person, stepped in to officiate. When my C.O. was shot, I got a mouthful of brain matter. Why did this have to happen? Why?"

The White House issued this response, " We f@#3d up."